No One Likes a mummy's boy

Sandy Jade Ridpath

I sit here, crying….again 😢 This to so many, would seem completely ridiculous. But I’m just finding it so tough.

I’ve been through many events in my life that have been extremely difficult, I’ve had people tell me they don’t know how I’m so strong….we have all had tough times, everyone reading this has.

But this doesn’t seem to be tough for anyone else, just me. I’m not sure why, I am a strong person, I have thick skin and a positive, optimistic attitude – most of the time.

I have always embrace changed, thrived on it, although I have always been quite a settled person I’ve always adapted to change.

I first started dating my husband at 17, we were living together when I was 18, engaged at 20, bought our first house at 21, married at 22….I never looked back at marrying my husband, never had second thoughts or cold feet, even when everyone said I was “so young” or made jokes about me being pregnant and that was the reason for us being married. I was happy owning a house even though it was a big scary step for some. I’ve always been told I am an old head on young shoulders or an old soul.

I am happy. 😊

I am pretty much always happy. I love my house and never plan to move.this may sound crazy but I’m settled, I’m pretty much always settled. My car changes regularly due to my husbands job, yet every car I love and want to keep forever, so I end up getting the same car each time. If it wasn’t for my husband I would have never done all the things I have, as he likes change and embraces it, he gets excited about change and well I’m maybe too settled.

But now, now I’m unsettled.

Now the thought of chance isn’t exciting me it’s scaring and upsetting me. I embraced my pregnancy, the changes in my body, the changes that came with being a mum….I fully embraced being a mum and I do, every day. But now I find it so difficult. The changes make me so sad. My son is turning 1 next week….A year old….he has been in the world a whole year. I have spent pretty much all day everyday for the past year by his side, to feed him,change him, comfort him,cuddle him, laugh with him. And now it’s all going to change.

I don’t want it to change. ✋🏻

He’s so independent now, he moves on his own, he tells me when he’s hungry or thirsty, he shakes his head no or makes a distinct sound for yes, he plays with his toys, he feeds himself….he dosent need me like he did before. He is independent and I love that, I want him to be confident and independent and take a bite out of this world, but the thought of me not holding his hand while he does it makes me well up.

“No one likes a mummy’s boy” people keep telling me, “you have attachment issues” “you need to let him go” “he’s growing up, this is what happens”.

I’ve loved everything about this year, yes it’s been tough, so tough at times. But I have had the best year of my life and it’s all going to change.

He starts nursery next week, I start work the week after….our days of “us” are now changing, our weeks will now change, it will now never be the same.

I have made the most of this year, I have embraced everyday and cherished every moment. 💖

But god I long for that need, he still needs me, he’s only 1 and I love that he is his own person and that we are buddies,we giggle and mess around and play. But I’m going to miss that, that feeling, that infant, baby, they need you for absolutely everything, you are their absolute everything, they can not be without you, feeling.

I lay in bed worrying about the day he will tell me he doesn’t want me to hold his hand or cuddle me anymore, I cry when I think he may move abroad one day and I can not bare the thought that his wife may not want to spend Christmas at ours every year….

Im crazy, I know that, that’s all so far in the future…. 💭

But so was this, this time last year, before my waters had broken, before he came a month early, before we knew we had a son, before I changed into this crazy, maternal, protective….........Mother.

And now I just have to accept it’s all going to change, that he is growing up and that time seems to move so fast, gone are the days I long for Friday, my holiday, a day off….now I pray that the days could be longer, I miss him when he’s asleep, I want to bottle this feeling of untameable, indescribable, untouchable, incredible, fiercely powerful LOVE.

So that when I’m old and grey I can open the bottle and feel this crazy feeling of sparks, warmth and fireworks going off inside my heart, I will remember how I felt…how I feel now every time I hold him, kiss him, see that smile or my gosh hear that laugh.

Because this, I never want to forget.

I maybe too attached, I may be over the top but I just love him so. damn. much. ❤️