Lesa Batten

This time though it was planned, and when they both came into the world the love I felt came rushing out of my heart like nothing I have ever felt before .. but now I have two pieces of my soul wandering around this world and some days are harder than others; and some days are just never ending.

Until I had children I was care free and my only worry was where to go on I worry 95% of the day. I assumed that when I had my second baby the worry would be less because I had the experience of my first baby, and although things are different and I worry less, there's now something new creeping into life.....guilt. But not any old guilt.......mum guilt, the worst form of guilt.

My son is in bed and my daughter is settled and asleep but from the moment they woke up this morning I wanted it to be 7.00pm......that beautiful hour where my son is asleep and my daughter is settled I get 2 whole hours where I can be me (before I go to bed at an early hour because I have two under two, and exhausted doesn't cover the level of tiredness). I just want to be me. Not the mum version of me. Not the fiancée version of me. Or the best friend version or the dutiful daughter version. Just me. Lazy me who wants to drink wine and scroll through Facebook and Instagram. I like that version of me. Unfortunately that version comes with a side of guilt.

Today I didn't want to play with my son and give him all of my attention. Today I didn't want to constantly feed my daughter. Today I rolled my eyes when he cried for me. Today I whispered "for fuck sake" when my daughter needed yet another feed. Today I couldn't wait until they went to bed. Does that make me a bad mum? Hell no. That makes me a mum who's recognising that she needs some time out so she can go back to being the super woman mum that she knows she is. Because I am. I am a fantastic mum to both my children. Is that arrogant? No, that is me being confident in my abilities as a mum. We are so quick to say we're not good at something and neglect what we are good at. It's important to recognise our achievements and praise ourselves.

My point is it's ok to have a bad day. It's ok to roll your eyes sometimes and wish silently for bed time so you can have a bubble bath, drink wine and scroll through Facebook and Instagram.

However......I still feel guilty because I didn't give my son my full attention today. But I don't see it in a bad light. I take comfort in my guilt because that just tells me I love him even when I want days to myself. If people don't feel the guilt then that's ok too.....I look forward to those experienced and wiser days.

It's so important to feed all the different versions of yourself. It's so important to recognise when you need help. Or when you need that bubble bath.

Cast aside all the quotes that say tomorrow isn't promised so make the most of today. Those people clearly never had a baby. Yes make the most of today and be happy and live your life but also be a realist. Realise that you can't be super mum unless you're super you.

I would love to dwell on my guilt and let it break me and tear me down and invite it round for dinner but I don't have time for that because I have two children under the age of 2.

So whenever you're feeling guilty because you didn't give your child enough attention today, or you shouted a little too much, or you just felt like you was a "bad mum" just know there is no such thing as a "bad mum" that version of you doesn't exist. You're a mum and you're allowed a bad day, week, month. Even if you feel guilty, embrace it and then let it go. You are enough and you are a great mum!